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Why good intentions don’t have to fail and what your brain has to do with it
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Why good intentions don’t have to fail and what your brain has to do with it

Diana Conte
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Good intentions are a dime a dozen.

Did you know what resolutions we people in Germany had for the year 2024?

> 60% Avoid stress, spend more time with the family and take more time for yourself 50% More exercise, sport and a healthier diet 30% Less media consumption and lose weight
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It’s interesting, because as different as our lives are, our wishes and needs are very similar. That says so much about our culture and our society. Especially as these mentions have been in similar percentage ranges for years. It almost seems as if they have not yet been “worked through”. And the same people always have the same wishes.

I can confirm the top mentions. Not only among the managers I work with.

But why do our good intentions come up again every year?

Surveys have shown:

  • 10% of New Year’s resolutions are actually and sustainably implemented.
  • 15% of good intentions do not last longer than a week.
  • 12% of good intentions are forgotten after just two weeks.

After that, the old habits take over again. That’s depressing and sobering at the same time! What’s the reason for that?

There are various studies on this. Briefly summarized:

  • We take on too much.
    Quick results instead of sustainable and continuous implementation. We lack patience. And then we often run out of steam because we don’t have the strength or it doesn’t work out as we had hoped. Or how many gyms profit from unused subscriptions?
  • We define our good intentions on a whim.
    Shot from the hip, so to speak. Not precisely and certainly not in writing. Yet we know from our professional lives that goals should also be formulated SMART. And we know from studies that writing them down increases the likelihood of implementation many times over.
  • We set our good intentions at a fixed time.
    Why only want to change something on New Year’s Eve? What about the rest of the year? As a tradition instead of when the need is strongest. And besides, we put off far too much anyway. A diet starts today, not tomorrow. And cheat days are not a reason to stop, but to stick with it.

There is also a completely different issue, namely the thing with habits.

Having good intentions means establishing new habits or changing or even giving up existing ones.

However, this cannot be done overnight. What has slowly crept in and eaten away over the years can be tackled step by step. It takes time to break new ground.

I know you’ve read or heard all this before. It’s all clear to you. The challenge now is to move from this knowledge to action and, above all, to keep at it.

Why is change so difficult?

We humans are creatures of habit. We stick to habits, even if they are not good for us. Simply because our brains make us believe that what we are used to is also good.

Our brain believes that we are smart. Who would get into a habit that isn’t good for you? Would you?

Our brain also wants to protect us. Because change means effort and energy consumption. That makes no sense for our system. So we always consciously or unconsciously find reasons why something is not working at the moment or in general. Especially when the change requires a great deal of effort and energy.

And then there is our comfort zone

Or rather, what lies between the comfort zone and the growth zone. That’s particularly tricky. Because there’s something wafting around that’s really mean. That’s where the fear zone is. Small and inconspicuous, and yet so strong.

Whenever we step out of our comfort zone. Namely when we change something or even just want to. This is exactly when the fear zone gets in the way. It feels uncomfortable there. Also unsafe. And sometimes simply scary.

Your brain doesn’t want that for you either. And neither does your body. So there are signals that say: “Stop, go back to your safe comfort zone. It feels good there. Because that’s what you know.

You have two options here. Actually, there are more, but let’s start like this.

You can go back into your comfort zone. And simply leave everything behind that you had planned. Things that you thought were good for you, but now don’t feel that way.

Or you can stay in the fear zone for a short time. Feel into it and notice that this strange feeling changes and no longer feels so unpleasant after a while. Especially not when you realize that your steps towards change have actually done you good.

Let me give you an example. And hand on heart.

Before sport is not after sport.

Before like this: “Oh no, why does the sofa feel so good. And my body feels so heavy. And if I sweat now, then I have to take a shower. But water is so wet. And anyway, what’s on right now…?

Afterwards like this: “Oh yes, I did it. I feel much more energetic and somehow proud that I pulled it off. And isn’t my muscle even a little firmer there? Yes, really, noticeably so.

Joking aside. If you get through the fear zone, you will become self-efficacious. And that gives you self-confidence.

If that’s not enough for you, let’s take a practical look.

Our good intentions fail, because …

the WHAT is missing – we can state the intent, but the wording is not precise and binding enough.

the HOW is missing – we want something, but basically we don’t deal specifically with how to achieve the goal. We don’t know our first steps.

the WHO is missing – we don’t look for allies and companions who can support us on the way to our goal. It’s simply more difficult alone.

If this were the case, it would be a good start, but that is still too methodical for me.

We’ve all heard SMART in connection with goals by now. Most people have already stumbled across it.

However, I see it as much more far-reaching than that. It is not a question of time and precision, but a question of priorities.

What do I mean by that? Now I’ll reveal the big secret ingredient to achieving your good intentions. Achieving your wishes and needs. Ultimately, the achievement of your desired life.

The WHY is missing – we want something, but have not identified the need behind it, the actual driver. Something that makes us see the higher value of a goal or resolution and can give us incredible motivation and energy.

It’s about emotions and deep needs. To fulfill our heart’s desires. These are our motors. These are the reasons why we stick with something. Behind this is the deeper meaning of our good intentions. I’m not talking about material things, even if they are part of it, but above all about all the rest. The things that have real meaning:

That’s why I believe that we should not only define goals SMART, but SMARTER.

S – specific

M – measurable

A – attractive

R – realistic

T – scheduled

E – emotional

R – relevant for your desired life

And ultimately, these are not goals, but steps towards the life we want. How does that sound to you?

Good so far? But what does that mean?

“Only those who know the life they want will find the way” – Diana Conte

Let me briefly correct Laozi with his quote ‘Only those who know their destination will find the way’ 😉

I know from my own experience that there must be absolute clarity about the ‘destination of the journey’.

No matter what you call it: your life goal, your vision or your dream life.

It’s about something bigger than yourself. Something that is relevant to you. Something that is emotionally charged. Something that has meaning for you.

That’s what really drives you. Your actions can contribute to something big. It has to make sense. Then you do it. Then you stick with it.

Otherwise you will be without focus and lose yourself in doing, or rather not doing. You will keep changing your priorities or let yourself drift away from everyday life. More than necessary.

Especially with children. Fortunately, they don’t always ‘work’. And plans don’t always work out in family life. Not even the small ones. And life is full of ups and downs anyway.

But it’s easier to get back on the path, the path to your dream life, if you keep the big picture in mind. Your goal in life. Your vision.

This clarity about your desired life aligns you and gives you orientation in everyday life. Especially when things get stressful and you want to or have fallen back into old patterns of behavior and thinking.

Like our values, our desired life is also an anchor and provides security, focus and clarity. It helps us to prioritize, make decisions, but also to stand up for ourselves.

An example from my coaching. In a session with a client, the aim was to bring clarity to her life situation. When she came to me, she talked about “all my problems and this chaos in my life”. She couldn’t put a specific name to the problems she was talking about. It was one big jumble. She had an overall feeling that I had stopped. Something became everything.

In a clarity session, we broke it down piece by piece. And I visualized everything we had discussed and recognized on the flipchart in front of her. We gained clarity in her areas of life. And it became clear what she could change in the individual areas of her life.

We were at the end of the session and I said: ,,How are you doing with that?”

She said: ”It’s as if it doesn’t belong to me. It looks clearer, but something is wrong.”

I looked at her and said: “What’s wrong? Her eyes got big and filled with tears. Because we hadn’t talked about her desire to have children yet.

With the integration of this topic, which was so important to her, on her flipchart, everything suddenly made sense. Because she had found her North Star. The one that everything she had planned on paper would pay off.

I’m not saying that this has to be your North Star. I’m saying that sometimes it takes a big why to change something. No matter how small the change is. Because then it becomes easier. Because there is something behind it that has meaning.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? And now, you ask?

Now you can move from knowing to doing. It’s as simple as that. No, it’s not.

Because that is also what ultimately causes change to fail. That’s why many people don’t even start or continue. Because it’s not that easy.

We forget: Things will not change from one day to the next. But it wasn’t the way it is today overnight either.

Here are the most important good intentions hacks or ‘How to move from knowing to doing’.

  • Make it concrete. I’m taking more time for myself’ becomes ‘I go swimming every Thursday at 6 pm’.
  • Formulate positively. Our brains and bodies don’t like skipping or no longer doing something. So formulate your goals positively. What do you need more of? What should be different? What can be replaced instead of just avoided? The motto is do and replace instead of leave.
  • Be modest. Either set small goals anyway or divide large goals into sub-goals. These are called approximate goals. Ask yourself: What is the first small step? In relation to swimming, for example, this could be getting a monthly pass to the swimming pool. Or see if your swimsuit still fits.
  • Find allies. Who can help? Who can provide support? Who has similar goals? Small spoiler: that’s why I believe in the power of group programs. Together we are simply stronger.
  • Keep at it. It takes 30 days for a new habit to become permanently established. Some say 20 or 60 days. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. And if it doesn’t work out, you just keep going. Setbacks are part of the heroine’s journey.

The important thing is that you take the first step. Start by doing one small thing differently than before. It only takes a small change. Then you’ve already taken the first step. And you are on your way.

“It is often the small steps, not the big leaps, that bring about the most lasting change. – Queen Elizabeth II.

We humans are maximally motivated when we move step by step towards a goal that gives us pleasure and that we have chosen for ourselves. So don’t hesitate for long, just do it! Courageously and without hesitation.

Be aware that you are the designer. You are not waiting for a fairy.

Pay attention to the small steps. They are easier to take anyway. And easier to integrate into everyday life. And they make your brain think that you’re actually still in your comfort zone. So that it makes no effort to hold you back.

And now you

  • What good intentions do you have?
  • Do you know what your dream life should look like?
  • Where can you go SMARTER?

Take your notebook and write it down. Even better: together with your partner. And if your children are old enough: make it a family event. It is very valuable. Have fun with it.

Diana Conte

About the author

Diana Conte
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Diana Conte steht für Reflected Leadership©, den Wert Familie und neu gedachte Vereinbarkeit.

Mit Empathie, Intuition und langjähriger Berufs- und Führungserfahrung begleitet sie nicht nur Führungskräfte mit Familie, sondern auch Unternehmen zu einer neuen vereinbarkeitsorientierten Haltung. Im Mittelpunkt ihrer Arbeit stehen (Selbst)Führung, Resilienz und persönliche Entwicklung.

Diana blickt auf eine Managementkarriere im internationalen Umfeld zurück. Hier hat sie Personalbereiche in kleinen und mittelständischen Unternehmen aufgebaut und geführt.

Ihre Vision: Reflected Leadership© ist in jedem Unternehmen. Und in jedem Haushalt.
Denn eine Welt voller reflektierter Menschen formen eine Gesellschaft, die von Respekt, Wohlwollen, Verantwortung und Wachstum geprägt ist. Jeder Einzelne entfaltet sein volles Potenzial, um gemeinsam eine positive Veränderung in der Welt zu bewirken. Es beginnt bei jedem selbst. Für unsere Kinder. Und deren Kinder.

Diana engagiert sich ehrenamtlichen vor der eigenen Haustür, nämlich in ihrer Wahlheimat Schwetzingen.

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