1. for your book “ZusammenKommen”, you left your comfort zone and embarked on a very personal journey of discovery. Was there a moment that particularly surprised or touched you emotionally – positively or negatively?
Oh yes, several of them. During my research, I deliberately entered spaces that were outside my previous horizon of experience: a BDSM studio, a swingers club, interviews with sex workers, conversations with people who live other concepts of relationships and pleasure. I didn’t just want to write about sex, I wanted to understand how much we are all influenced – and how much this influence limits our pleasure.
One moment that particularly touched me was a conversation with a woman in her mid-forties who told me that she only got to know her body through the eyes of men – and for a long time didn’t know how to desire it herself. That affected me deeply. Because I felt that she was saying something that affects many of us. Our sexuality is not just private, it is political, culturally shaped, full of expectations and attributions. This realization made me sad and angry at the same time – but also encouraged me. Because it means that we can learn anew. Meet each other anew.
2. how do you personally deal with shame or insecurities around sexuality – and has your approach to it changed as a result of the research?
Shame is a very human emotion – and is almost systematically built into sexuality in particular. After all, sexuality is an area in which we are particularly vulnerable. And the shame that has taken root in our bodies often doesn’t come from our own experience, but from the social attributions of patriarchy: what a woman is allowed to do, what a man should be like, what is “normal”.
While working on the book, I learned to no longer see my shame as a weakness, but as an invitation to reflect: Why am I ashamed in this situation? Who taught me that this is embarrassing or wrong? Today, I notice much more quickly when old imprints creep in. Then I talk or write about it – or try to take it with humor.
3. how have your East Frisian roots and your experiences as a mother influenced your view of equality and sexuality?
I grew up in a region where traditional role models prevailed and many things remained unspoken: Feelings, conflicts, even physicality. At the same time, I learned there how important it is to be reliable and grounded. Both remain with me to this day.
As a mother, I have experienced how powerful traditional role models still are – even when you thought you had long since left them behind. Being a mother has sharpened my feminist lens, but also made me softer. And I also realized how the combination of mental load and physical exhaustion kills the libido.
4 In your SPIEGEL column “Love Life”, you talk openly about sexuality, relationships and social taboos. What drives you to deal with these topics so openly and honestly?
I enjoy breaking taboos. But I also write because I’m angry. At a system that still turns women into objects and men into determinants – more so now than a few years ago.
But I’m also doing it because I have hope: That we can learn to treat each other better. I think that we all long for real closeness. And when we talk honestly about what moves us, something real emerges. I am also just a seeker, a learner – like all of us. But I can open up spaces with my writing: for doubt, for longing, for courage. And I enjoy that.
5. you write: “Nothing is more erotic than investing in equality together.” How can real equality enrich couples’ love lives?
Equality is not a pleasure killer, but a door opener for real intimacy. When both partners feel seen and heard, when care work is not invisible but consciously distributed, when there is no power imbalance – there is room for pleasure, play and closeness.
If you don’t feel constantly overloaded or suppressed, you can open up. Emotionally and physically. Then sex doesn’t become a compulsory exercise or a relationship barometer, but a shared experience. Equality is sexy because it allows us to be real. And to be loved just for our own sake. What could be better?
6. which social myths about sex and gender roles would you particularly like to challenge or even debunk with your book?
There are a few – but I find the idea that good sexuality should somehow happen “naturally” particularly dangerous. Without knowledge, without communication. Or that men always want it and women don’t. That monogamy is the only right way. That female desire is complicated and male desire is automatic.
These myths make it difficult for us to be honest with ourselves – and with our partners. Lust is individual, evolving, negotiable and changeable over the course of a lifetime.
7. you talk about orgasm gaps, pressure to perform and entrenched expectations. What would you like to see in the sexual education of the next generation – in families, at school, but also in the media?
I would like to see an education that not only talks about biology, but also about feelings, boundaries, consensus and diversity. That shows young people: You don’t have to achieve anything to be desirable. You can say no – and yes. You can try things out, ask questions, fail.
In families, I would like to see less taboo and more honest interest. And in the media: fewer clichés, more reality. No endless perfect bodies and screams of orgasm after three seconds of penetration – but stories that show that sexuality is alive, changeable and sometimes contradictory. And that is precisely why it is so valuable.
8. if you had one wish for the future of equality, intimacy and sexual self-determination – what would it be?
Then I wish that we would all stop functioning – and start feeling. That we no longer evaluate bodies, but inhabit them. That women no longer apologize for their lust, men no longer define themselves by their potency and queer people no longer have to justify their existence on talk shows.
My wish is that we create spaces: in relationships, in society, in ourselves – where real closeness is possible. And that we learn: Intimacy is not a state, but a process. One that we are allowed to shape – with openness, respect and a clear yes to ourselves.
Further information about Heike Kleen
Click here to go to Heike Kleen’s website
About the book “ZusammenKommen”
To the Instagram page of Heike Kleen
To the LinkedIn page of Heike Kleen
About the author
Kinga Bartczak advises, coaches and writes on female empowerment, new work culture, organizational development, systemic coaching and personal branding. She is also the managing director of UnternehmerRebellen GmbH and publisher of the FemalExperts magazine .
