Imagine you get up in the morning, put on your business blazer and suddenly you are sittingen It’s no longer you in the meeting, but a stranger. Someone who speaks louder than you, negotiates harder than you and is constantly asking herself: “Am I finally assertive enough?” The answer is no. Not because you can’t do it. But because She are not this woman at all are.
Women in leadership know the dilemma. On the one hand, we are supposed to step on the gas, take action, be more visible. In other words, to do everything that is actually alien to us. On the other hand, we are ridiculed if we have patience, listen or resolve conflicts carefully. Too soft, they say. Or “She can’t do it.” But we can do it very well. Just in our own way.
The problem is this constant torn between being “too feminine” and “too masculine”. It doesn’t just cost us energy. It robs us of our voice. It takes us away from our core, from our way of leading and, above all, from ourselves. At some point, we realize that we are no longer breathing, but functioning. That we are no longer leading, but surviving. And that doesn’t make us strong in the long term. It destroys us.
It’s not about being nicer or less nice. It’s about finally having to stop bending ourselves. Because the world doesn’t need a second version of a male leadership style. It needs your version. The real one.
Why we bend
It’s like an invisible law in the world of work. Women have to be tougher, more uncompromising, louder. Otherwise they won’t be taken seriously. So we switch gears. We become the “ice queen”, the “assertive”, the “elbow woman”. And at some point we ask ourselves: why does this feel so wrong?
Because it’s wrong. Not made for us. Women are no less performance-oriented or less ambitious than men. But we work differently. We need time to let things grow. We rely on cooperation instead of elbows. We lead with empathy. This is not a weakness, but a superpower. But this superpower often suffers from the prejudice that it is “too soft” for real leadership.
In the end, we bend. We adapt. We play a game whose rules we never signed up to. Then we are exhausted, dissatisfied and ask ourselves why leadership actually feels like we are fighting against ourselves?
Why the women’s quota alone is not enough
Yes, the women’s quota opens doors. But it doesn’t change the culture behind them. It ensures that women get in. But often with the invisible stamp “She’s only here because of the quota.” A colleague of mine was once accepted into a promotion group because the quota had not yet been met. Not because she was seen as competent. Although she certainly was. The worst thing about it was that everyone knew. Including herself.
The real problem is not the lack of a quota. It is the lack of appreciation for female leadership. Empathy is dismissed as too understanding, patience as too slow and sensitivity as too addicted to harmony. Yet it is precisely these qualities that hold teams together, create motivation and bring sustainable results. Only as long as they are seen as feminine and therefore less valuable will women continue to bend. Or worse: they drop out.
But we wouldn’t need a quota if we had a culture that said: “Your way of leading is exactly right. Not despite your femininity, but because of it.”
How to lead authentically without bending yourself
1. stop deceiving yourself.
You no longer have to lead like a man to be successful. You have to lead like you. Item. If you are analytical, use it. If you are intuitive, trust it. If you are creative, use that. Your strengths are not flaws. They are your assets.
2. borders are not a luxury. They are a necessity.
Being allowed to say no. Delegate tasks that don’t suit you. Don’t be the girl for everything. This is not selfishness, but self-care. And you need it to stay strong in the long term. A manager who respects themselves will also be respected by others.
3. presence does not mean volume.
You don’t have to be the loudest person in the room to be heard. You need to be the clearest. If you have something to say, say it. With your voice, with your posture. Authenticity attracts attention. Not shouting.
4. ask for what you need.
You have the right to ask for support from your team, your superiors and your environment. You don’t have to do everything on your own. And you don’t have to apologize if you need help. This is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom.
5. look for allies.
Women who understand you. Who have had similar experiences. Who support you instead of competing with you. Because one thing is clear. If we support each other instead of holding each other’s doors shut, we are unbeatable.
Leading without a mask
This article is an invitation. An invitation to finally stop bending yourself. An invitation to live your leadership in the way that suits you. With your voice, your values, your style.
Because the world doesn’t need another leader who adapts. It needs someone who is genuine. And that is you. Exactly as you are.
Would you like to develop your leadership skills without bending?
In my coaching sessions, I help women to find their unique way of leading. You can book a free orientation session here, without obligation and without pressure.
About the author
Von der Überlastung zur Gelassenheit => Ich helfe Ihnen, souverän zu führen, ohne sich zu verbiegen. Ich bin Businesscoach und Mentorin für Frauen in Führung, die mehr Leichtigkeit, Klarheit und Anerkennung im Berufsalltag wollen. - Meine Überzeugung: Sie müssen nicht lauter sein, um gehört zu werden. Sie müssen nicht alles allein schaffen, um respektiert zu werden. Und Sie müssen sich nicht verbiegen, um dazuzugehören. - Keine Theorie, keine Standardmethoden, sondern praktische Lösungen, die sofort in Ihrem Alltag wirken. Denn Sie haben keine Zeit für stundenlange Analysen. Sie wollen Ergebnisse. - Für wen ich da bin: ✔ Sie sind eine Frau in Führungsposition (Teamleitung, Abteilungsleiterin, Geschäftsführerin). ✔ Sie fühlen sich oft wie ein Hamster im Rad. Ständig beschäftigt, aber ohne echte Wirkung. ✔ Sie wollen mehr Leichtigkeit, wissen aber nicht, wo Sie anfangen sollen. ✔ Sie suchen jemanden, der Sie versteht, weil er selbst weiß, wie es ist, zwischen allen Stühlen zu sitzen. - Wie wir zusammenarbeiten können: 1:1 Coaching für klare Lösungen in kürzester Zeit. Mentoring für langfristige Begleitung und strategische Führungskompetenz. Fokus-Coaching, wenn Sie schnell Klarheit brauchen. - Melden Sie sich gern bei mir. Ich freue mich über Austausch.
