Shopping lists in your head, appointments to keep track of, to-do’s for everyone in the household… while others are already busy with the finer things in life, many women are invisibly juggling a second load of work. Mental load is the name given to this permanent mental task and it is anything but harmless.
When the head never stops working
Maybe you’ve been there: you’re sitting on the sofa in the evening and actually want to relax. But suddenly one thought after another pops into your head: Tomorrow is the children’s dentist appointment. I also have to send out the birthday invitation. Do we actually have enough milk in the fridge?
While your body longs for a rest on the couch, your mind is already running another marathon (this time the Tough Mudder, with lots of mud and exertion).
That is mental load. A responsibility that is usually not even visible, but costs an incredible amount of energy. It’s not just about the to-dos themselves, but above all about constantly thinking, organizing, remembering and making provisions.
Why women are particularly affected
I often find that, especially in heterosexual partnerships, women carry the majority of these invisible tasks. Even if they both work full-time. This leads to an imbalance and, in the long term, to overload, stress and even health problems.
It’s not just about “Who takes out the garbage?”, but about the whole coordination behind it: Who thinks about taking out the garbage in the first place? It is precisely this thought process that is often automatically attributed to women socially, culturally and historically.
The consequences: Stress, guilt and the feeling of never being enough
Many women report that they feel permanently exhausted: not because they “don’t take enough breaks”, but because their minds can never really switch off. The permanent state of alert causes sleep problems, inner restlessness and the feeling of never having done enough. After all, there’s always more to do. I’ll let you in on a secret: the list doesn’t get any shorter if you do more…
And this is exactly what makes mental load so perfidious: from the outside, it often looks like “little things”. But in total, there are hundreds of micro-tasks that feel heavier day by day, like an invisible rucksack.
First steps to make the load visible
The most important step is: talk about it. Mental load is invisible. And as long as you don’t open your mouth, it stays under the radar. Only what is said becomes visible. Some ideas that can help:
- Write things down instead of juggling them in your head: List everything that keeps you mentally occupied. It’s often only then that you realize how much really adds up.
- Share responsibility, not just tasks: It is not enough for the partner to “help”. It’s about handing over responsibility. Who organizes, who thinks ahead?
- Questioning perfectionism: does everything really have to be perfect? Or can it sometimes be “good enough”?
- Take your own needs seriously: Relaxation, peace and quiet, creative time – none of this is a luxury, but a necessity.
Why we need to talk about mental load
Mental load is not a “private problem” of individual families, but a social issue. It affects work, career and equality in equal measure. Compatibility is the magic word here. Those who feel constantly driven have less capacity for their own projects, for further development and for real ease in everyday life.
So let’s start to stop carrying the burden invisibly and start talking about it. Because only what is visible can be changed.
About the author
Jenniffer Feder ist Gründerin von re•set – einem achtsamkeitsbasierten Kreativkonzept, das Puzzles, Aromatherapie und Meditation vereint. Mit ihren Entspannungsboxen schafft sie ganzheitliche Erlebnisse, die Achtsamkeit, Kreativität und innere Ruhe im Alltag fördern. Sie steht für eine moderne, alltagstaugliche Achtsamkeit, die für alle Menschen zugänglich ist – unabhängig von Vorerfahrungen. Aus ihrer eigenen Krankheitserfahrung heraus engagiert sie sich besonders für Stressprävention und die Entstigmatisierung psychischer Erkrankungen. Ihre Vision: mentale Gesundheit darf schön, kreativ und selbstverständlich sein.
