Your partner supports you in everyday family life. And yet you’re completely exhausted?
This article is about why help doesn’t always help – and what you really need to reduce your mental load instead. For all those who ask themselves between dentist appointments, lunch and visits to the playground: why do I get stuck with everything?
I hear this sentence very often in coaching:
“My partner supports me, but …”
And it usually goes on like this:
“… everything is still too much for me.”
“… I always have to have everything in my head.”
“… I feel like nothing works without me.”
Maybe you’ve already said it.
Because your partner takes the child to the dentist, but it’s you who makes the appointments.
Because it’s you who reminds your partner of the date.
Because you are the one who makes sure that a new appointment is made regularly.
In addition to all the other things that buzz around in your head every day.
- “I have to buy new pants for my child soon because the old ones are already so small.”
- “The in-laws are coming to visit next week. What are we going to eat on those days?”
- “I still have to get a present for the birthday boy or girl my child is invited to.”
Yes, your partner will take some of it off your hands if you ask them to.
But you remain the one who always has to hold all the strings in your hand. The one who can’t forget anything because otherwise it won’t get done.
No wonder you feel totally exhausted.
The inconvenient truth is:
It will stay that way as long as your partner only “supports” you.
Why support is not enough to relieve you
Support sounds very positive at first.
But it actually means: The main responsibility lies with you. I just help out a little.
But you don’t need an assistant: Real relief happens when you both feel responsible for your life together – not just helpful.
You have a joint household, you have joint children – so you have joint responsibility.
Regardless of who takes on how many tasks. Regardless of who works how many hours. Regardless of who earns how much.
It’s not just about the distribution of tasks, but above all about the attitude.
But not only from him, but also from you!
Why both need a different attitude
Yes, you will also have to change something.
It’s rarely the case that the partner is lazy or doesn’t want to take responsibility.
The situation is more complex.
Perhaps you are also contributing more to this situation than you realize at the moment.
Just like I used to be.
I didn’t want to continue with the old role model that my parents had set for me. So I demanded support from my husband.
Which he was very happy to give me, as he was also in favor of a new understanding of roles.
But despite our good intentions, the implementation often looked like this:
- I was constantly checking that my husband was actually doing the things he wanted to do.
- I regularly rearranged the dishwasher after my husband had put it away – because he hadn’t put it away “properly”.
- I really quizzed my husband when he wanted to take our child to the playground – to make sure he had all the important things with him. (After I had taken a critical look at whether he had dressed our child properly for the weather.
- I preferred to do the washing alone because I was afraid that my husband would wash the clothes incorrectly and they would then become discolored and shrunk.
- I asked him to get a present and then nagged him every day asking if he had done it yet.
- I reminded my husband again of the appointment when he was supposed to take our child to the pediatrician.
Looking back, I have to honestly admit: I never gave him the chance to really take responsibility. I reminded, controlled, nagged and pushed. And I stepped in when something threatened to go wrong.
So it’s no wonder that my mental load didn’t decrease and I still felt like I could never take a break.
No wonder my husband found it frustrating to always be under observation and felt he could never please me. (Which regularly led to a tense atmosphere between us).
And perhaps you have also internalized the idea of keeping an eye on everything and always being reliable, so that you also find it difficult to really hand over responsibility. Not just organizationally, but also emotionally.
But here is the key: if something is to change, it needs not only his thinking, but also your letting go.
What you can do to really share the mental load
Mental load cannot simply be “delegated”. It can only be reduced if responsibility is truly shared.
These 4 steps will strengthen you as a team – and noticeably reduce your workload:
#1 Regular mental load discussions
It is best to establish a fixed time for this: at least once a week, 20 minutes. What tasks are on the agenda? Who will do what? Where is the problem right now? This creates a sense of shared responsibility.
#2 Clear responsibilities
Anything that is not clearly regulated will get stuck in your head. So decide together: Who is responsible for daycare communication? Who for doctor’s appointments? Who for presents, laundry, lunch at the weekend?
#3 Let go – and trust your partner more
If your partner takes on a task, then let them do it. In their own way, without announcements, without constant reminders.
#4 Give yourselves time – change can be jolting
Established patterns don’t change overnight. Especially when you are reorganizing, things can go awry. Tasks may be forgotten, responsibilities overlooked, old reflexes kick in again.
This is not a step backwards – it is normal. Change requires patience, forbearance and repeated small course corrections.
Keep talking and remember: It’s not about being perfect – it’s about shaping your life together.
It was a process for us too. But today we really do share responsibility. And that feels really good.
Conclusion: Relief comes when you carry together
If you want real relief, it’s not enough for your partner to help you. What you need is someone who thinks along with you, takes responsibility – and sometimes leads the way.
In return, you can stop trying to carry everything on your own.
You can lean back, trust and let go.
And you can say: “I can’t do this alone anymore. And I don’t have to.”
All the best,
Christine
PS: Our “inner drivers” are always at work in the background with this topic too. These are unconscious beliefs that ensure, for example, that we like to have everything under control or expect more from ourselves than we can achieve.
Use my stress test to find out which of these drivers is particularly active in your life – and what you can do to counteract them: www.christine-kuehnle.de/stress-test
About the author
Du funktionierst. Jeden Tag.
Du jonglierst Termine, trägst Verantwortung, denkst mit – für alle.
Und irgendwann merkst du: So geht es nicht mehr weiter.
Ich begleite Frauen wie dich: kluge, verantwortungsvolle und engagierte Frauen - die sich entscheiden, das Gefühl der ständigen Überforderung nicht mehr länger hinzunehmen. Die etwas verändern wollen, um endlich wieder IHR Leben zu leben.
Frauen, die immer alles im Blick haben – aber sich selbst immer wieder aus dem Blick verlieren.
Ich weiß, wie sich das anfühlt.
Auch ich war einmal an dem Punkt, an dem ich dachte: Es muss sich etwas ändern.
Weil der erste Gedanke nach dem Aufwachen an die To-do-Liste ging und der letzte vor dem Einschlafen. Ich war immer unter Druck, innerlich unruhig, unzufrieden und dauermüde.
Kurz vor dem Burnout wurde mir schmerzlich bewusst, dass ich mir mein Leben anders vorgestellt hatte. Und fing endlich an, meine Bedürfnisse ernst zu nehmen.
Ich habe gelernt, wie ich mir in meinem Alltag wieder mehr Raum gebe – ohne dabei alles andere zu vernachlässigen.
Ich habe verstanden, wie ich mit meinen Aufgaben umgehen kann, ohne mich von ihnen überwältigen zu lassen.
Und ich kann die schönen Momente wieder genießen – ohne ein schlechtes Gewissen zu haben oder von meinem Gedankenkarussell abgelenkt zu sein.
Heute helfe ich als ausgebildete Stress- und Burnout-Coachin, Entspannungstrainerin und Psychologische Beraterin anderen Frauen dabei, aus dem mentalen Dauerstress auszusteigen und das Leben wieder zu genießen.
In meinem 1:1-Mentoring und den Onlinekursen geht es vor allem die folgenden Fragen: Was raubt dir Kraft? Was brauchst du wirklich? Und wie kommst du raus aus dem ständigen Funktionieren?
Mache gleich heute den ersten Schritt und hole dir meinen Stress-Test "Die 5 wahren Gründe für deinen Stress".
Erfahre, welche unterschätzen Ursachen hinter deiner Anspannung stecken und was du sofort tun kannst, um das zu ändern:
www.christine-kuehnle.de/stress-test
