We are very pleased to welcome Elaine Lin Hering in today’s FemalExperts Role Model Interview.
As a lecturer at Harvard Law School, executive trainer, speaker and author, she inspires people around the world to find – and keep – their voice. In her book Be Heard, she shows why silence is often rewarded, but costs far too much.
1 Dear Elaine, thank you very much for your willingness to introduce yourself to the FemalExperts community as a role model. I would like to start right away, because you have worked with people on more than six continents – is there an encounter or training that has particularly changed or impressed you as a person?
The training that impressed me the most took place at the very beginning of my career. I taught executive education in the Harvard Program on Negotiation. Executives from all over the world flew in for this training. A top executive from a global company told me that his most difficult conversation was not with someone from his company, but with his own son. This moment made me realize that no matter how successful people seem, we are all still human and continue to struggle with the conversations that make us human. I may not be able to run his business, but I could support him in the conversation he was struggling with the most.
2 As a lecturer at Harvard Law School, you also teach young people how to resolve conflicts and negotiate. What have you yourself learned about speaking up – and keeping quiet – and is there a difference between the younger generation and other age groups?
I have difficulty with cross-generational generalizations because each of us carries so many different identities that shape us and our behavior in conflict. However, I have noticed a pattern over several generations (when Millennials were the younger generation, then Generation X, etc.): Younger generations are more willing to challenge the status quo and less willing to accept that things just have to be the way they’ve always been. Of course, this perspective always leads to friction between generations in the workplace and in life, but I see a willingness to challenge things, to dream and to find different ways of doing things. After all, difference is always at the heart of innovation. Our challenge in leading each generation is to not silence this perspective and willingness to challenge, because it will help us find new solutions to the tricky challenges we all face.
3. you have also enriched the corporate world with your expertise. You have worked with politicians, Fortune 500 executives and even military academies. What do all these very different groups have in common when it comes to being heard?
Everyone wants to be heard. No matter what industry you work in, how high or low you are in the organization chart, whether it’s a head office or a home office. People are still people and people want to be heard. Not being heard is demotivating, demoralizing and alienating. Of course, the reverse is also true: being heard makes us feel respected, important, doing what matters and enables us to be more connected and work better together.
4. was there a moment in your life when you spoke up for the first time, even though everything inside you was screaming to keep quiet? How did you feel afterwards?
I remember trying to mediate a conflict between my parents when I was five years old. I remember asking: “Can’t we all live in peace?” Today, as an adult, I realize how normal it is for adults to disagree. I was hesitant to speak up because I come from a culture where children are supposed to be seen but not heard and where it is considered disrespectful to express an opinion to older people. But that moment showed me that I could say something and that the world wasn’t coming to an end. I remember my father later telling relatives about this situation, with respect for what the innocence of a child can teach adults. I still have this attitude today: people of all ages have something to contribute and can teach us something.
5. was there a phase in your career when you silenced yourself the most? How did you deal with it?
Absolutely. The scary thing is that for about ten years I didn’t even realize that I was silencing myself. I don’t blame myself for that. After all, many books on leadership claim that you can make others like you or agree with you by imitating them, i.e. speaking and sounding like them. Act like them. Then they might want to work with you. I now think this advice is wrong, but because it came from so many “leadership experts”, I didn’t question it for a long time. Much of this advice ultimately encourages people to silence themselves in order to be “digestible” to the powerful. I didn’t handle it well. Without knowing what was really happening, all I knew was that I wasn’t satisfied and fulfilled and my needs weren’t being met. Eventually this manifested itself in health problems – hives and hair loss. Because you can only work against your own needs and your body’s needs for so long before your body rebels.
6. your book is called Being Heard. Why was it important for you to write about silence right now?
It was important to write about silence because it is the cause of so much harm that is often misdiagnosed. For example, when people are not heard in the workplace, they are often told, “You need to speak more, better and louder.” Or, “You need more confidence or courage.” All of these responses are incomplete and dangerous. When people are not heard, it is not because they lack courage or self-confidence. Courage and self-confidence can only have a limited effect if others do not want to listen to them. So the real problem is not how to speak up, but to understand and change the role that silence plays in our lives and in our leadership roles. If we continue to misdiagnose, we cannot solve the problem. If we are willing to solve the silence, we have a much better chance of being heard and respecting the dignity of every human being.
7. what was the greatest personal realization for you while writing?
My biggest realization was how universal the challenge of silence is. For many years, I thought it was just me or just my family or culture of origin that was affected by silence. But through my cross-cultural work, I have learned how widespread silence is. My Hispanic sisters taught me their grandmothers’ phrase, “Calledita te ves más bonita,” which roughly translates from Spanish to, “You’re prettier when you keep your mouth shut.” So many of us were taught to keep quiet. No wonder we long so much to be heard. My biggest personal realization was that my vote actually counted.
When I started writing about silence, I wasn’t sure if anyone would listen to me. I didn’t know if I had anything useful or meaningful to contribute. But when I started talking about silence, I saw how much it resonated. I saw how universal, how impactful and how powerful it is to recognize what is really happening. For as challenging as silence can be, unlearning silence also offers the opportunity for us to be heard and for us to acknowledge, celebrate and respect one another.
8 You write that silence is often rewarded. How can we expose this mechanism in everyday life?
What we reward becomes the rule. Instead of punishing people for speaking their mind, we should celebrate and reward them. I often think about this when my young son expresses his opinion. Do I want him to share his opinion, even if it’s more comfortable and convenient for me if he doesn’t? Yes, I do. Because I want him to know that his opinion counts and that he is important. In the moment itself, even if I’m annoyed or things would go more smoothly if he didn’t say anything, I want to encourage him. That doesn’t mean he always gets his way or that we talk about it right away, but that I honor his voice. It might sound like this: “Good question, we’ll talk about it later on the way home.” The same applies in a work context. People who speak up in meetings or ask questions are often perceived as disruptive rather than enriching. We change the perception of their voice through our reaction. Their questions are not disruptive, they are a contribution.
9 Many women are afraid of being seen as “too loud” or “too emotional”. How can they still stand up for themselves and escape this stereotypical attitude?
The first step is to ask yourself: Are you okay with the way you present yourself? We will always be too loud or too emotional or too quiet or too stoic for someone. When we live by the standards of others, they hold the power – and they are constantly changing those standards. So the question is not whether others think we are too loud or too emotional, but whether you yourself are okay with who you are and how you appear. Don’t give anyone else the power to decide whether you are too much or too little. The double standards are real. It’s also scientifically proven that testosterone inhibits crying, so men cry less often. So by any standard, we will always be too much or too little. That’s why it’s so important that we decide for ourselves whether we stand behind our appearance.
10 Due to my own intercultural roots, I know that our inner and outer voice changes with our environment. You also speak openly about the different language worlds that have influenced you. In terms of your own biographical experience, at what moments did you feel most strongly that your voice became softer or perhaps louder?
Context matters. We are inevitably shaped by the world around us, which is why in my book I also write about how we silence each other even when we don’t mean to. Whenever you have a minority identity, you are under pressure to conform. It’s an uphill battle to be heard. My voice became quieter the more I was assigned to a minority. The greater the expectation was to fit in, to look and sound like everyone else, the quieter I became – partly because “fitting in” is a survival strategy. This was true in my time at the firm and equally true in my Harvard years, when I was the only non-white member of the senior faculty team.
When you’re the only one, your place at the table also feels more vulnerable. My voice is also quieter when I’m back at home with my parents. I’m lucky that my parents still live in the same house I grew up in. But when I’m back there, in the same place, I find it hard not to fall back into the family dynamic from before, when I was the child who had to listen to her parents. When I’m there, I have to realize that I’m not six years old anymore. I am an adult with many different life experiences and expertise.
11 You talk about silence as a survival strategy. When does silence still make sense to you today?
Silence makes sense in two contexts. Firstly, when you cannot bear the costs associated with your own voice. Each of us must remain stable enough in our nature to continue to be there for our family and ourselves. Speaking out has its price. So if the cost is too high, silence can make sense. Secondly, silence and speaking out are not binary. It is not the case that you are never heard if you say nothing. Short-term silence can make sense as part of a longer-term strategy. We cannot fight every battle. However, it is important to be clear about what matters to you and what you are willing to fight for. The question of when silence makes sense is at the heart of Chapter 3 of my book. I encourage readers to read this chapter because I outline what most people get wrong in their analysis of whether or not to remain silent.
12. if all voices were heard – how do you think our working world would change?
If all voices were heard, managers could make better decisions. People’s perspectives are data. When leaders don’t hear certain voices, they make decisions based on incomplete or biased data sets. Practically speaking: If all voices were heard, we would have higher employee engagement, more meaningful work experiences and lower employee turnover. Or to describe it even more clearly: When all voices are heard, it doesn’t mean that every person has to contribute to every decision or give their opinion on everything. A team or workplace cannot be managed by pure consensus. But it does mean clarifying what role people play in a decision – do they make the decision? Are they consulted? Are they informed afterwards? And do we agree on these expectations? This role clarity enables people to focus their energy accordingly.
13 What can managers perhaps also do in this context to give women a secure platform?
There are many things leaders can do to make it safer for women to use their voice. First, believe women. There is a history of doubting women, of claiming they are too sensitive, too emotional or too hormonally driven to be taken seriously. Believe women. Second, recognize how challenging it can be to speak up. Being heard doesn’t just mean hearing the words someone says, it means respecting and honoring who that person is so they don’t have to hide parts of themselves in order to be accepted. Just because it’s easy for one person to speak doesn’t mean it’s equally easy for others. Third, expand the range of acceptable expression. Far too often we require people to speak directly, with limited emotion and in three clear bullet points in order to be taken seriously in the workplace because that is considered “professional” or “best practice”. These requirements create barriers for all those who tick differently. Accepting written feedback, asynchronous communication or language with pauses and “ums” can reduce unintended barriers.
Thank you, dear Elaine, for your clear words, your insights and your encouragement that we can unlearn silence – no matter how long it has accompanied us. Your experiences and perspectives show us how important it is to open up the space for voices not only for ourselves, but also for each other. May your appeal remind us all that if you want to be heard, you sometimes have to speak up first – and if you want to lead, you have to want to listen.
Thank you so much for your time, energy and effort in sharing my message and for your patience with my interview response. I am very grateful to be involved in this mission to make people’s voices heard!
About the author
Kinga Bartczak advises, coaches and writes on female empowerment, new work culture, organizational development, systemic coaching and personal branding. She is also the managing director of UnternehmerRebellen GmbH and publisher of the FemalExperts magazine .
